Originally Published on my Keen Blog, July 15, 2010

Note: It has been almost 16 years since I wrote this article, but it still stands true. My children have grown, and I have a new husband now, but I feel this article can resonate with anyone who ponders whether someone loves you as much as you love them. Some edits have been applied to align with my current life.

When I was young, my mother told me something about love. At the time, I remember absolutely hating what I heard. I did not want to believe what she was saying, but perhaps in my youth, I was not focused enough to hear the real message. What she said to me was: “In every relationship, someone always loves someone more than the other.”

My thought was that love should be equal, love should be totally balanced, and the flow of emotion should go both ways like a current of energy that never stops, pauses, or ends. Now that I am older and much wiser, and have worked with energy at a professional level for over 20 years, (now over 30),I understand what she really meant.

Its true, someone always loves someone more than the other in some ways. Because love is so subjective to each person’s own human needs, emotions, desires, and personal experiences in the past, each person loves in their own way and style. This is not to say that if you feel deep, passionate, never-ending, and unconditional love for someone, then they cannot possibly love you as much. What this is to say is that we all show our love in different ways and put more emphasis on the areas we can, feel more natural at, and even more often than not in the ways we personally would like to feel the love from the other person! Let’s take a side journey here together.

Let’s say that you have to purchase a gift for someone. There are two types of gift givers:

Those who purchase things they personally like and would like to show and share with another person, something they want to introduce someone to, something they enjoy so much in their life that they want to let those they care about experience the same joy. Perhaps this works, and sometimes it fails, as the receiver’s personality may simply not enjoy the same things you do, but at least you get some feeling of happiness by trying to expand their world or vision.

Then there are the gift givers who buy gifts they know for sure the receiver will love and cherish! They want only for the receiver to be happy and have a guarantee that they will simply love the gift.

One style of gift giving is no more or less “giving”. The person who buys things they like and want to share with their loved ones is no less a giving person than the gift giver who buys what they know the receiver will adore. It’s not a matter of being selfish to buy things you personally love and enjoy; as it is a means of sharing a small part of oneself. And the person who wants to be sure the receiver loves their gift is not an insecure person hoping only for acceptance; they simply just want to make the ones they care about happy.

Both types of people want to do their best, and it is only a matter of difference in how they express their care for another.

Sharing feelings in a relationship is not much different except there are a million and one different ways in which emotions and love can be expressed and shared. It’s not quite as basic as gift giving, but the same rules apply.

The key is to learn and understand how your loved one shares and experiences love so that you do not feel things are so unequal, but rather that love can be expressed and shared at different levels in different ways.

The problems usually arise and someone feels hurt or neglected or unloved or unappreciated when they are not receiving love from their partner in the same way they give, therefore not in the same way they like to receive. People tend to think that their way of expressing love is the only way and overlook the different ways in which their loved one truly is showing expression of their own love and passion. Just because it is a different focus on love or emotion does not make it any less love! There are also so many categories for love to be expressed.

To name a few:

• Romantic Passion
• Protection
• Loyalty
• Communication
• Surprises
• Alone Time
• Shared Interests
• Servitude

Lets look at these areas. I am a person who can be easily distracted; in my work. I have to remain focused and keep my energy balanced. As an empath, I have to be careful about all the energies in and out of my home. If that is a blaring television, my dogs needing attention, or the traffic outside, there are times I do not show my love toward my husband in terms of focus or attention, and by the time my workday is done, my energy is so out of whack that I really need to retreat and go inward, aside from doing balancing of my energy and meditation for my work.

If he did not understand this about me, he may, like many people, feel that I do not love him as much as he loves me because honestly, he showers me with attention as that is his number one way of showing love. I also know that not only because this is his method of showing love but also due to his personality, he needs equal, if not more, attention and focus from me, and that is one major area in which I probably lack for him.

Understanding each other’s ways of expressing love and ways of wanting to receive love is very helpful because not only can you then strive to give and receive in a manner that feels good to both people, but you can also accept the shortcomings of the person you love, as my hubby has had to adjust for me. Besides, that really shows even more how much you love each other! When you can adjust and communicate about it!

Some people express love with words (communication), some with actions (servitude), and some with surprises (gifts); these are just a few of the items from the list above.

Take time to notice how you like to show your love for someone, then take time to notice how that special someone tends to show their expression of love to you. While you may be the type of person who shows love via actions such as doing nice things for them, making plans, cooking them a wonderful dinner, leaving love notes, and so on, they may be more the type to show their love via words. They may like to say wonderful things, tell you a million times they love you, and express how beautiful you are or how wonderful you make them feel.

What if they are an action person doing all these caring things for you, but you are someone who needs to hear the words? What if you are a word person who writes them love notes and leaves them around the house but they do not seem to be affected much by them?

You see the dynamics of love are different for everyone, and it’s not so simple.

Before you think you are the one more in love with your mate or fear that their love is not equal to your love, perhaps you can do a little research and talk to them and find out their love EQ (emotional quotient).

Your partner’s love may stem from a need from their own past; perhaps in their childhood, their parents were very traditional and did not show openly their desire for one another; perhaps they did not hold hands or give kisses often.

They still may have had a long, happy, and strong marriage.

Perhaps your mate learned about loyalty and protection love more than physical love. Perhaps your mate grew up in a very expressive family, both in the sense of love and disagreements! Perhaps due to this, your mate learned Romantic Passion, which we know can go both ways, and a fiery heart can become passionate about a feeling they have in romance or in arguments.

As long as we are not talking emotional, mental, or physical abuse, the passionate partner sure can spark life into a relationship with healthy debates and sharing of thought, feeling, and opinion.

I remember my grandparents would get into some heated debates where grandpa would raise his voice a bit, and when I would say they were arguing, grandpa would say in an equally loud voice: “We’re not arguing; we’re discussing!”

It never upset me as a child, because they really were not arguing; they both derived passion in healthy disagreement, and I would bet anything that passion carried over into the bedroom.

Some people need more alone time with their loved one, weekend getaways at a bed and breakfast, a quiet evening at home cuddled on the sofa watching movies, not going out socializing and showing each other off to friends. If you are this way but your partner is not, then perhaps you feel ignored or that you are last on their list while they are wishing you would go out more often so you can be that awesome couple arm in arm showing all their friends how lucky they are!

It all comes down to the areas in which your significant other shows their love the most, what they do, and what they also need from you in return.

The lesson here overall, though, is that there is no real true equality in love. Someone always does, in fact, love someone more than the other in some way, shape, or form, but that does not mean that the love is not overall equal.

The exception to the rule would be if all possible categories—and there are many as I have only covered a few, lined up exactly the same for both people, both in the giving and the receiving areas.

Here is a fun quiz to take with your loved one. Bear in mind this is not a scientific study, and I did not do any research on the effectiveness of the outcomes of this test, but nonetheless, it can lead to some good conversation between the two of you and perhaps some better understanding of each other.

The Quiz:

Print out a copy of the following for each of you, then mark your answers.

Put an X by each item you feel you use to show love.

Put an O by each item you would like for your partner to express to show you love.

Of course, in a perfect world, we want all of the things listed below, but try to be conservative and only choose the most important to you. If you are like me and can’t help but check them all, then number them in order.

Once done, share your answers with your partner! Be ready and able to laugh and have fun – this is not a test! There really are no wrong answers because there are no “wrong” ways to love on this list.

If you find you have a lot of similar answers but have been feeling a disconnection from your mate, then talk about it.

If you notice that your answers do not match up so well and you are not expressing the way they need, and they are not showing the way you need, then talk about it, and I promise that you will change a little for them, and they will change a little for you!

Most of all, use this time to do this quiz with each other, not as a threat or argument, but as a fun and playful expression that you care enough to find out how they feel.

I recommend doing this quiz in bed.

Romantic passion – the sharing and exchange of emotion via lovemaking, playfulness, healthy debate, and physical interaction such as hand holding, kissing, and open expression of affection toward each other.

Protection – Making sure your loved one has all the things they need, security, and stability. Taking your partner’s side and defending them and their honor. Ensuring that their future is safe should something happen to you – financial stability. Watching out for them, making sure that they make it home safely from work, their car is running well, that they get up on time, or get enough rest.

Loyalty – Being true to your partner. Feeling that you cannot imagine yourself with someone else. Siding with them against others even if you do not agree and discussing it with them later in private, having their back. Checking in with them before making plans, keeping them in the loop regarding extended family members, and each other’s children when in split-family arrangements. The general respect that goes in to putting each other first and showing consideration.

Communication – The need to talk things over with your mate, expressing your thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, wishes, etc. Telling them how much you love them, saying “I love you,” telling them how important they are to you, how they make you feel, and what you want to plan with them in the future, etc.

Surprises – The little things mean a lot to you; you love to give and/or receive gifts that show you know your loved one deep down. Tickets to a game or theatre production, a home-cooked meal, a nice romantic dinner out, weekend getaways for just the two of you, gifts no matter if handmade by yourself or an expensive watch bought at the jeweler’s. Throwing them a surprise party on their birthday. Drawing them a bubble bath and watching the kids or pets so they can have a nice relaxing retreat. The more you can do that will surprise them, the better!

Alone Time – Spending time alone with your loved one is very important. You enjoy anything that gives you two time to bond as a couple. A hike in the woods, a walk by the shore, “camping” in the backyard, sipping wine on the patio, cuddling up on the sofa for a movie night at home, reading a book together, showering with each other, and making home-cooked meals as a couple. These are examples of the type of person who needs “alone time” to feel loved or express love.

Shared Interests – Some couples feel closest when they have common interests. Some couples get very excited about a sports team, wearing matching shirts to the game even if watching from home or a friend’s home. Being on a pool or bowling league together, belonging to a book club, movie buffs who love to discuss the movie afterwards with each other, going to museums, gardening, auto repair, music, or travel. Obviously, we want to have some things in common with our loved ones, but these couples who focus more on this area of love really need to feel a team effort, that bond that comes from really working with each other for a common interest or goal. Couples like this often do well working in a business together!

Servitude – Doing all those little things for the one you love. Getting them their slippers at the very mention of them having cold feet, making them a snack as soon as they say they feel hungry, going to the store to get their favorite ice cream when they notice they are out, tossing their shirt in the laundry for them when they are busy with other things, and you know they need to get that done before morning. The little things that actually take quite a bit of focus and effort to some mean everything!

Other – feel free to write in your OWN expression of or need for a demonstration of love! Do not feel you are subject only to this list, as these are only a few of the many ways people can show their love or want to be loved!

Please like this post and comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings and your experience may be helpful to someone else.